Watching myself become some kind of marginal cult figure for a handful of people around the
world over last couple of years has been interesting. It's forced me to learn and further charge the responsibility of my own life. Profusely painful and strange. But important and rewarding to no end.
I feel the last ten years just seemed to evaporate. Though there were moments so earthshattering I felt there would be no tomorrow, and I found myself going through pain and sorrow I had feared and avoided for ever. Now it's as if I'm climbing out of the hole in the ground, the smoke has cleared and I'm trying to find my bearings.
It's a new field around me, so what is really here? Will I be able to grasp it, will it be able to grasp me?
What is my knowledge and experience worth?
It's taken a long time, getting to this point. A place where it feels good being me. But it gives way to a whole new sense of caution. I mean, great, good for me that I feel great and enjoy what I do. It means nothing to others unless I find ways to share what I have been through and what it led me to. And even more; Where will it take me?
Dorje Drollo, one of the Buddah Padmasambava's incarnations is depicted as a red demonlike creature standing on the back of a pregnant tigress. He is surrounded by flames and draped in the mixed garb of a king, a learned man and the wrappings of the dead. A necklace of freshly cut heads hang round his neck and in one hand he holds a threebladed knife. One blade for each of his sentiments used to cut through the ego to separate it's clinging to past, future and higher meaning. His message is feared by some. Buddhist scholars and laymen refer to his school of thought as the one of Naked Awareness.
One that is truly terrible.
You see, in that awareness, there is nothing really other than yes, awareness. As if the actual present moment is all and anything, and in this I feel so clearly revived by ie. The illusion of Time, The Illusion of
Material possession, The Illusion of Social Status, the Illussions Of Achievement.
These are things that have been clear as daylight to me most of my life, but I have felt the urge to somehow justify myself in moving in my natural direction along a path that is nothing but my very own path.
I have been clinging to greatly meaningless concepts while still wishing I could let it go, since I have seen quite clearly how it's damaged my sense of being. It must all be severed. This I knew. But what "All" truly was I had to find out.
Letting go is by no means giving in to nihilistic indifference. It is in fact rather making room for a new level of empathy, however one where the ego is simply placed out of the way. "Off you go little one!"
Awareness entails acceptance. It does not demand action, nor reaction. Those are optional. Very simple.
In example, you can clearly see how your ego reacts or wishes to act, yet the ego is not in command, I am
in command, or shall I say the observer. What I choose is inevitably what I chose, I doesn't have any deeper connotations, it simply leads to whatever it leads. In a sense, tranquility and clarity. All else is rather pointless, though surely chaos and unrestfulness carries some knowledge it is really nothing more than the absense of serenity and awareness. It can never lead anywhere other than death or peacefulness.
Painful or not, what path am I going to take? What makes sense?
And so the blade of Dorje Drollo; It's such a beautiful symbol for that decisive blow at what wishes to bind me to the material illusions my ego carries to uphold the status quo of pointless meanderings that lead nowhere, that blade is truthfully one of liberation.
I am not my emotions. I simply experience them. There is, it seems(and I am truthfully baffled at this) a deeper level of consiousness. One that is at my core. Raw light. Utter clear light. Sounds pretty fucking iffy huh? Cool. I am seriously finding some awesome stuff as of late and I doubt most really either care or have the energy to try and understand.
All I can say is; There is more to find and I am a curious type.
Peace / Peter
